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Collection of joke: Part 5

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Post time: 9-12-2018 20:16:09
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A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?" Umm. do you have any nails? What!? OF course not. Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.
So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.
The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Once again, Brian said, "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"
"I want the person who pushed me in," said Brian.
Three men are sitting on a beach in Jamaica talking about how they all ended up there. The first man says, "I ran a superstore out in California. But business got bad so one day there was a bad fire and I collected the insurance money and moved out here."
The next man says, "I had a Jewelry store in the Midwest. But business went downhill and we were robbed. So I collected the insurance and moved out here."
The final guy says, "I had a little fishery on the East Coast. One day a hurricane hit and I collected the insurance money. I had nothing left but the money so I moved out here."
The other two men look confused for a while then ask him, "How in the world did you start a hurricane?"
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing… Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home… Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She took my sports coupe. Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it? Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19″ AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats… At this point the husband starts choking up… Sergeant: Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car…
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
"If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door".
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.
Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.
The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! The people need me!" and quickly jumps out of the plane. The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "How will the president be able to manage his children without his wife?" and jumps out of the plane as well.
Now, only the boy scout and the pilot are on the plane. The pilot says, "You should go. You have more of your life ahead of you than I do. Go on and change the world." The boy scout says, "We can both go, there are two parachutes left!" "Huh? How is that possible? There were only 3 parachutes!" "The president took my backpack.

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Post time: 10-12-2018 11:18:00
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gud ones. very funny..hahahahahahaa..:):):)

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