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Collection of jokes: Part 2

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Post time: 3-12-2018 20:00:52
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[ Post edited by immortal2 at 3-12-2018 08:02 PM ]\n\nTEACHER : John is climbing a tree to pick some
mangoes. ( Begin the sentence with Mangoes)
Student : Mangoes, John is coming to pick you

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TEACHER : What do you call mosquitoes in your language?
Student: We don't call them, they come on their own.

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TEACHER : One day our country will be corruption free. What tense is that??
Student: Future impossible tense.

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THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES

TEACHER : How can we keep our school clean?
Student: By staying at home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

English Grammar class.

Teacher: What's the difference between "He cleans the plate" and "the plate is cleaned by him."

Student: In first sentence 'he' is not married, but in second sentence 'he' is married....
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If ever u feel overloaded by life, wife or work ....
Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center & place order for any 1 or more of the following Antidotes:

1. Wife Irritation Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2. Refreshing Unique Medicine (RUM)
3. Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4. Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
5. Wife High Infusing Suspicion Killing Energy Yeast (WHISKEY)

This is issued in public interest by Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.

"Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research."

The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.

"Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer.

"Why so much?" the interviewer inquired.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a Technically correct but completely useless answer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A missionary in the desert finds a lost man and takes him to his house where he nurses him back to health. When the man is feeling better, he asks the missionary if he could borrow his horse to ride into town.

The missionary replies, "Yes, but this is a special horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go, and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man acknowledges his understanding.

The man mounts the horse and says, "Thank God." The horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse starts running full speed. Soon the man sees a cliff coming up and he tries to stop the horse. He hollers everything he can think of, such as "Whoa, stop," etc. Nothing works.

Finally he remembers what the missionary said and hollers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says, "Thank God."
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